Can I Be Happy Now?

Often people fall into the trap of thinking, “Once I have _______, then I’ll be happy.”  The problem with that is that whenever they get _______, that thing or person or whatever it is… is then often replaced by something else… and happiness is something that lives eternally in the future.  This is one of the dangers of goal-setting.  Sometimes you can become so focused on your goals that you forget to live today.

I don’t want to do that.  I want to be smarter than that.

So now I’m asking myself a question:  What do I want from all of the things I want?  For example, I want to take a year off of work.  I want to marry Susan.  I want to join an a capella group.  I want to go to Italy.  But what is it that I think all of these things will give me?  What is the desire that underlies them all?

I guess it’s what most of us want:  We want to be happy.  To be at peace with ourselves and the world.

So, the question then that follows is:  Do I need to do all, or any, of those things in order to be happy or at peace?  Hmmm…  That’s what I tell myself sometimes, yes.  But is it really true?  Can I be happy now? Can I be happy without those things?  Or before I have those things? In fact, maybe being happy now would help to create those things…  Would it?

I have no great answers.  Just these contemplations right now.  Truth is that I am quite happy with my life as it is.  There’s just this gnawing feeling that it could be so much more.

Can I enjoy the journey of life and not always have my eye on the destination?  How do I set goals, dream, and strive for great things, and at the same time, be present and happy right now?

My heart tells me that stopping the activity of my mind is one way.  It is when my mind is caught up in the to-do’s of work and my emotions are on overdrive to accomplish a million different things… that I feel detached from my own soul.  So, for now, I will just stop.

Dreams Change

One thing I keep learning over and over again is that dreams change. When I began this blog, I set out with this dream of making $100,000/year to do what I absolutely love.  And that dream still remains, but a greater, more immediate dream has since stepped in:  To learn, grow with, and marry Susan (my awesome girlfriend of over 5 years). Yes, I began this journey mostly dreaming about my own personal career goals.  But since Susan’s herniated disc started to take over both our lives, we’ve had plenty of time to sit and talk.  And as we’ve talked, we’ve begun to dream together.

Susan and me on top of the "pillboxes" in Lanikai.

One big dream Susan and I have is one we each came up with on our own and then to our surprise, we discovered we had the same dream!  That dream is to take a full year off of work – to practice following our intuitions, gut instincts, passions, and insights.  To take time to truly discover who we really are at our cores and what we really want out of life (as opposed to being constantly caught by the need to merely make a living, please others, and “be productive”). We don’t know yet how we’ll pull this off, but we’re determined to find a way.  We’re saving our money and looking into caretaking as a way to live rent-free…

Another dream we have is to get married. This is probably a stronger dream for me than it is for Susan, since a former marriage left a bad taste in her mouth… but for the first time, she has said that she wants to marry me, too.  Of course, there’s somewhat of a challenge to this one:  the fact that in most places on Earth, gay marriage is not legal.  It isn’t legal in Hawai’i, where we live now.  So, to marry AND enjoy all the rights and benefits that come with marriage, we will have to fight for the laws to change here and/or move.  Once again, we don’t know how we’ll do it exactly, but we’re determined to make it happen.

So, there you have it.  My career dream is now on the back burner, and my love dream is taking center stage. I imagine our year off as the perfect time to build the foundation for a happy career anyway.  (Susan and I have talked, too, about starting our own non-profit organization, so maybe that is in the cards…)  So, until then (or until my dreams change again…), my energy is going into making our year off and our wedding realities.  Here’s an idea:  We get married, and then call our year off our “year-long honeymoon”!

Here’s to you and me and our dreaming, growing, learning, loving, and living together, Susan…

10 Songs that Bring Me Joy

I’ve begun to compile a list of songs (in no particular order) that bring me joy.  Here are ten:

1. 1 2 3 4 (Plain White Ts)
2. I’m Yours (Jason Mraz)
3. So What? (Pink) 
4. Imagine (John Lennon)
5. I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)
6. Brand New Day (Joshua Radin)
7. Let the Sunshine In (from Hair)
8. RESPECT (Aretha Franklin)
9. Present/Infant (Ani Difranco)
10. Hour Follows Hour (Ani Difranco)